Having a baby or babies in the NICU is such a stressful and terrifying experience. It is a time filled with worry and uncertainty. If you have found your way to my blog looking for help through this troubling time, let me just say, I am so sorry. It sucks, its rough, and nothing about this is easy. There were moments I didn’t think I would survive. But I did. I found the strength I needed and you will too. In this post I want to share a few things that helped us manage through the scariest time of our lives. If you want to read more about our NICU experience be sure to check out my post “My NICU Story”
Let go of your expectations!!
This is first and foremost on my list. Do not hold on too hard to any expectations you may have. You, mama, have done your job. You made it this far, taking amazing care of your baby or babies. Now, the most important thing is that those babies get what they need to give them the best opportunity to thrive!
I kept thinking about how different our twins first days were from our first 2 children. And about how much I had hoped they wouldn’t be NICU babies. And about what I could have done differently or what I did that may have caused this. I quickly realized that was not helping at all. My focus had to be on our preemies and what they needed to get strong enough to go home.
Staying as positive as I could really helped me
I’m not saying its easy but I did my best to focus on whatever positives I could find. I would remind myself that our babies were alive, and even if this was not what I had wanted for them, they were doing ok and getting stronger every single day. It was also a big help for me that I had 2 young children at home patiently waiting for mommy to come home. And I missed them so much. While in the hospital I was consumed with my maternal duties to the twins. Once I was home, they had all my attention! Me coming home by myself at first may have made the transition a little easier on our older kids. They missed me and with our twins in the NICU getting the medical attention and care they needed, I was able to give my bigger kids all the attention they needed.
Use this time to get some rest
Having the twins in NICU also meant I could get some sleep at night, as much as my other kids would let me anyway 😁. With a full medical staff caring for our twins around the clock I didn’t have to get up for middle of the night feedings. Taking care of yourself is so important at this time but often hard to do. Getting rest at night helped immensely with my recovery…physically, mentally and emotionally.
Be present
I visited the NICU every day. I tried to get to know all of the nurses who cared for our boys. But even being a seasoned mom already, I was still unsure and nervous about what I should or shouldn’t do with these tiny little preemie babies. I realized pretty quickly how stupid that was. It was such a great feeling changing their little diapers and doing any normal little daily thing with them. If you are a mom with a baby (or 2) in the NICU and you are concerned about bonding with you newborn my best advice is Be Present! And try to plan your visits around feeding times. Breast or bottle, feeding time is a fantastic bonding time.
We were 45 minutes from the hospital and with 2 other children it was hard to get to the hospital more than once a day. To make the most of my time with them I tried to go at feeding times. But most importantly, whenever you’re there just don’t be afraid, infants, even preemies, are more resilient than you think. Plus, you have a team of medical professionals there to help. Have questions? ASK THEM!! Be as involved with their care as you can.
But don’t live there
With all that said, do not move into the NICU. Visit every day, even a couple times a day if that works for you. But there is no need to be there 24/7. Sure, I felt a massive amount of mom-guilt every single time I walked out of the hospital without them. But I would remind myself that our boys were getting the care they needed. I was there every day and spoke with their Doctors every day. And I also knew I should use this time to get some rest, heal and prepare for whatever was ahead.
Be patient
No, it’s not easy (remember when I said nothing about this is easy) . But having patience is something you must do. I wanted our boys home so badly it hurt. After only 9 days they were cleared to go home. We were beyond thrilled!! We were so excited when we got that call that we ran out of the house with non of their stuff! No blankets, no diaper bag, no going home outfit…we just jumped in the car and started driving there!
True story, really! We ended up stopping at a Walmart. I bought a diaper bag and a few other things and I ended up using that diaper bag for over a year! In reality though, we had so much stuff (clothes, blankets, hats, etc) at the hospital we really didn’t need to bring too much any way.
I was so happy to have our twins home after only 9 days in the NICU! Their first night home was perfect. They slept great, they ate well, it was just so wonderful to have them home with us. But within 48 hours I noticed a difference in Lennon. It was subtle but I noticed something. That night, as I watched him like a hawk, checking on him constantly, I could see a change in his face. By the early morning I called our pediatrician and on Easter Sunday morning he met us in his office.
Lennon’s face looked like it was swelling up. Our pediatrician was baffled. He got on the phone to call colleague, who turned out to be our neo-natal dr from NICU. He immediately told us to get back to the NICU.
I can’t tell you how lucky we are that that was who our pediatrician called. If he had just sent us to the hospital we would have had to have gone through the ER and probably would have ended up on the pediatric floor. It’s not customary for anyone to re-enter the NICU. But if we hadn’t I’m not sure Lennon would have gotten the care he needed quickly enough.
We walked right back in there and they immediately put a breathing tube down our infant’s throat. The swelling was continuing and they feared it would cut off his breathing. It was terrifying. All I could hear was all the nurses saying “Thank God you got him here when you did” I can’t even guess how many times I heard that. All it translated to in my head was “I almost didn’t get him here on time. My baby was that close to dying!”
We are lucky it was something treatable. It turned out he had a cyst, a brachial cleft cyst, that became severely infected. It was right where his jawline meets his neck. That’s why I noticed a difference in his feeding. It was hurting him! Our poor baby.
He needed to have a surgery to clear up the infection. It was all so scary. But he got amazing care and the entire hospital staff was wonderful! He ended up spending over 3 weeks in the NICU his second stay.
So, yeah, you want your baby home. Out of that NICU and home with you. But more importantly you want them healthy and strong enough to go home. Not that our twins were rushed. But if you are reading this and you have a baby(or 2) that you are anxious to get home, please remember to be patient. It will happen, I promise. But only when your baby is ready.
Take care of yourself
During this time, when we had one infant at home and one still in the NICU was when I needed to remember this most. It’s so important and yet so hard for us as mothers. I always felt like everyone needed me all the time. I still do and I’m guessing I always will. Since I’m always reminding myself of “self-care” I going to remind you too, its important! I made a point of listening to my body. Taking rest when it told me I needed rest.
And that is how I came to the decision to stop breastfeeding. It all became too much. Pumping, nursing, having 1 twin at home, 1 twin 45 minutes away that we were visiting everyday, caring for our 3 year old and 2 year old…not to mention recovering from a c-section. I made the choice to switch to solely formula feeding when our twins were about 3 weeks old. It was a tough decision. I felt terribly guilty, of course. I think, as moms, no matter what choices we make we feel guilty and doubt ourselves. But I knew it was right for us as a family. Taking the pumping and nursing out of the equation helped me be a better mom to all 4 of our kids. I did the best I could and breastfed for as long as I could. And that was enough for me.
Accept help
This was another one that was hard for me, honestly, it has been my whole life. I felt probably like most women in this situation. We are mom. We must take care of everything and everyone and do it perfectly. And, well, that is just ridiculous. During the time our boys were in the NICU, I realized real quick I was going need any and all help. I needed help with our other kids while we were driving back and forth to the hospital every day. I needed help around the house. I needed help, any help!
And help can look like so many different things. Sometimes it was just having someone play with our older kids while I rested with the babies. Sometimes it was having my 3 year old help out with bottle feeding because both boys were screaming to eat at the same time. Sometimes, it was my mom coming over with food and doing all my laundry and cleaning. Any help someone is offering is good! And most people don’t mind if you give them something to do. They just want to help. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you actually need!
Let go of the guilt
This is obvious but worth talking about. Do your best to let go of your guilt and take it easy on yourself. Don’t compare your situation to others. Don’t compare this situation to another one of your own, with your other children. I have no doubt that, just like me, you’re doing your best and that is all we can do.
Be Confident
At a time like this your self-doubt can feel suffocating. Get over it and find your confidence! That is what I had to do. My instincts are strong and I knew it then just like I always had. It just took a little reminding myself, so I’m here to remind you. You have that mom’s intuition, it’s there, listen to it.
You are stronger than you think
You’ve already proven that to yourself by making it through this pregnancy. Think about all the enormously amazing things you and your body have already accomplished. You’ve got this! There were so many moments that I thought I wouldn’t make it through. Like while recovering from my c-section and waiting to see our babies. Or that first time seeing them in incubators with a whole bunch of tubes attached to them. Or when I had to leave the hospital without them. Or when Lennon had to be readmitted to the NICU. Or when Lennon had to have surgery. The list goes on.
But we did survive all of those terrifying moments. And if I learned nothing else from this experience, I definitely learned that I am way stronger than I ever thought. Strong enough to nurture my newborns while they grew stronger. Strong enough to make tough decisions. And strong enough to deal with all the stress and exhaustion that comes from being a NICU mom. I will forever be thankful that we survived the NICU. Its something no one ever wants to go through but also fills me with pride that we made it through. And to see how far we’ve come now is astonishing!
To my current NICU mom’s, you’ve got this Mama! You are a warrior and were chosen for this path. Channel that strength, stay positive and patient. And if you have any questions or comments please leave them below. I’d love to hear from some other NICU Moms.
