I could easily write a post titled The top 20 hardest things about having 4 kids, I could probably think of 100 things really. But today one thing in particular was brought into focus for me. One huge thing…quite possibly the #1 hardest thing about having 4 kids.
Getting enough Mommy-time for everyone
Splitting my attention and trying to make sure that everyone is getting the attention they need is by far the biggest struggle for me. And I often feel that our oldest son is the one that gets the least amount of time with me…and it bugs me!!
4 kids and we somehow ended up with a middle child
He is our biggest boy, our Nolan. He was born in between of our first born (our only daughter), and twins! We may have an even number of children but this kid somehow ended up a middle child. I know that he has had the least amount of Mommy time of all 4 kids. And the fact that every single time we do get time together, just me and him, he always looks at me with this huge smile and says “It’s Nolan and Mommy time!” makes it pretty damn hard to deny! It sounds so sweet and yet is like a knife in my heart at the same time! It has become one of my biggest sources of mom-guilt!
His older sister has always demanded a lot of attention. As our only daughter she definitely adds the drama. Plus, she was only 16 months old when Nolan was born, so she still needed a ton of attention. With Nolan being such an easy baby, she was still able to run the household after he was born…and pretty much still does (little 6 year old tyrant!)
Then the twins were born when Nolan was 2. Being preemies, and the fact that there was 2 of them, obviously they required a huge chunck of my attention. Leaving Nolan (along with everyone else) with even less of Mommy’s attention. I can’t even imagine how many times I’ve had say things like “Hold on, I need to take care of the twins”, or “Wait a sec, Calli needs my help” or something to that affect. Getting everyone all the attention they need from me is a constant struggle. To be completely honest, some days it’s freakin’ impossible. Because Nolan is the least demanding and least needy, he just ends up with the least if my attention. It bothers me. It just doesn’t seem fair. And I’m always worrying about the affect it could have on our relationship.
But, on the flipside of all that
On the flipside, Nolan gets more Daddy time than anyone else in this house. With me being preoccupied with our preemie twins, Nolan ended up hanging with Daddy most of the time. They take store runs together. They go to Doyle’s and have lunch together. Daddy has taken him on specials trips to go see the Red Bulls play. They’ve even gone down to DC to watch the Yankees play the Nationals. They have this amazing, special bond unlike any other one between my husband and our kids.
And the more I think about that, I realize I kinda love it. I mean, I chose this man to be my partner in life, to have 4 children with, for good reason. He’s the best dude I have ever known. I have no doubt that hanging his Dad will make him a better person…it most certainly has made me a way better person!
Another thing to consider is that Nolan is the only one of my kids to be able to spend a night away! My in-laws took him down to NC to visit his uncle and cousin. They went for 5 nights and he LOVED it! He got on the airplane with them and never looked back. He is an independent, intelligent, curious little boy and that makes this Mama proud!
Maybe I’ve been worrying for nothing?
Today I attended the Mother’s Day Tea at Nolan’s preschool. It was sweet and adorable and perfect! He was so proud and had the biggest smile on his face the entire time. Since I can’t help but always think about how our time together is inadequate, I truly soaked in every single second of it!
The pride on his face when giving me the gifts he had made nearly made my heart burst! He was so excited for me to hear what he had written about his Mommy! And after hearing what he had written, any concerns I had about our relationship completely disappeared. That kid knows me and there is no doubt that we are bonded.
So, after countless nights spent worrying it turns out everything is fine. He may get less one on one time with me but he is certainly not starved for attention. I know that he loves me and I know that he knows how much I love him.
I’ve finally come to a realization that while it’s easy to love my kids all the same it’s impossible for me to have the same relationship with all of them. They are individuals and as such each of our relationships is individual. I’m sure dividing my attention between will always be a struggle. But as long as each of them knows how much they are loved then I’m cool!!
To read more about our life after having 4 kids in 4 years check out my other post My Reality with 4 kids under 4
